Friday, June 21, 2013

Stillness in My Heart Speaks

It's the middle of the year and I am happy to say that at last, I found peace. Or maybe it's not entirely peace, but having gone through what I had for more than a year now, the emotional roller coaster, the  thoughts of suicide, wanting to end my marriage and all those other negative emotions that ate me up day in and day out no matter how blessed other people see me, it can take its toll on one's heart, mind and soul. And today, my 3rd day of feeling neutral, I realized how much I missed this. I missed the feeling of quiet and peace in my heart. My left brain is arguing that perhaps it's just my hormones finally coming to rest. But my right brain is reveling in it.

My morning started out good. Peter and I made love. Only, for the first time in a really long time (I can't even remember when it last happened or if ever it did happen before), I didn't come. I was super wet, I was rested (albeit still a bit sleepy) but I just didn't feel that need to come. It was a long and sweet lovemaking session between a husband and a wife but I just didn't feel like I will ever come so I just told Peter to go ahead and I'll just watch and feel him explode inside me. And he did. And I was happy about it. This is all new to me. I always managed to come. Always. And when I didn't, it didn't matter. And I'm glad that I'm not even feeling resentful about it. If given a choice between orgasm+mood swings and no orgasm+feeling at peace, I'd happily choose the latter. I'd rather be at peace than feeling horny and moody all the time. I hope that THAT PHASE is over. I hope this is the beginning of a peaceful ride to wherever life will take me. At least now, I've started doing the things that used to make me happy. I've been reading my books again (inspirational, comic books, novels, art, self-help); I started playing with my guitar which is a good sign coz I always do that when I'm happy; I'm even writing again. 

So all is well right now. All is well despite some problems my hubby and I are facing in the domestic front. And I guess, for now, that's all that matters... that I am back on my feet looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. All thanks to my best friends who got my back no matter what kind of situation I'm in. I'm blessed. I feel blessed in spite of. Thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you, universe.


  1. That feeling of bliss, a way to keep content...that's a good way to start your day. I hope that everyday you'll see that no matter how crappy something is, there's still something to be thankful for. I thank God every night for having you in my life, Jen. I'm glad that you're feeling better now. Love lots, Mer

  2. Awwww... thanks so much, Mer. Your words mean a lot to me. I'm seeing things a lot clearer now. And I thank God everyday for all my blessings too. I thank God for having you. Love you lots!


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